As mentioned before in this blog my daughter has Bi-Polar, but that is not who she is.
She also holds a masters in social work. She is brilliant and charming and has a laugh that will suck you in and leave you wanting for more. She is complicated and complex, she is also simple: she wants people to accept her for who she is, highs/lows and all that lies in between. She is gentle and loving, accepting of others. She is also stubborn and afflicted. She is still that three-year old little girl who loved babies and kittens and an adult that has been wounded and hurt, abandoned and not understood.
She is just like you and I with un -abandoned freedom of emotion, that is how I now look at her. That is how I think about her Bi-polar. Moods, they are just moods that we all have amplified by a thousand inside their brains -think of it this way:
HAPPY: a Bird on steroids; they flutter and sing and twirl around in the air, they wake you up with their beautiful song at 4 am in the morning and you ,while enjoying the song are also thinking ” don’t you sleep”? You watch them dash here, dash there, build their nests, and you wish sometimes you were a bird and you could fly fly away.
This is how she is on her Highs: She doesn’t sleep, there is no time for sleep, she can conquer the world and solve all it’s problems, there is not a doubt she could build houses and fly in the sky. You get dizzy watching her and wish she would slow down, I bet she does also, but she can’t .
SAD: A Tortoise on Xanax: You watch the turtle in the middle of the road stuck, it just stands there like it’s paralyzed , once and awhile it will poke it’s head out of the shell to slowly gaze around at the hundreds of cars zipping around it or the ones that have more interest in the turtle have stopped, hoping if they gaze long enough the turtle will realize the dangerous position it has put itself into and it will just do what it’s supposed to do with the legs that were given to it and MOVE already. You might get out of your car and go pick up the turtle, move it to a safer place , or gently prod it with a stick to get to safer ground. It doesn’t move, it just puts its head back under cover waiting for the energy and the will to move.
I used to fight the turtle to become a bird: Silly right? A turtle can’t become a bird. My daughter can’t snap out of her moods just like a turtle can’t become a bird, no matter how much you wish for it, prod it gently with a stick or try to pick it up and move it to the other side of the road.
My daughter is just like everyone else on a bigger scale, amplified.
I no longer get upset when she doesn’t show up where we want her to be or try to prod her from her shell – I gently drive around her and pray she makes it to the other side un-harmed.
I no longer ask the bird to stop singing at 4am in the morning telling it it’s to early and I want to sleep- I let the bird sing when it wants to and I listen and savor the song and save it my head.
My daughter has taught me to accept things for the way they are, as hard as it may be, there is nothing I can do to change it, so you have to just let it be . It’s not about me, she doesn’t sit in the middle of the road to piss me off or make me worry : she does it because she can’t move right now, it’s that simple.
She doesn’t sing outside my window to wake me up when I really want to sleep , or twirl around in the sky so that I worry she will get dizzy and drop from exhaustion: she does it because she has to go with the wind the way it’s blowing now.
I never know what will be presented to me with her on any given day , but I am learning to be patient with the Tortoise and bask in the glory of the song from the bird.